The Customer Who Needs To Announce They’re a “Foodie”

There’s a certain guest who arrives not to eat, but to establish expertise.
They declare it immediately — we’re total foodies — as if the room needed the warning.
Their knowledge is mostly decorative.
They use words like umami and acidity the way tourists use landmarks: to prove they were here.
They ask if the scallops are “day-boat.”
They praise “complexity” without tasting anything long enough to know.
Their favourite trick is explaining dishes back to the person who just described them.
Every plate becomes an opportunity to perform understanding.
Real cooks and servers don’t correct them.
There’s no point.
The performance is the meal.
By dessert, they’ve eaten little but talked a lot.
They leave convinced they’ve impressed someone.